01.02.08
Sretna Nova Godina! (Happy New Year!)
As I reflect back on all that has happened during the past year, I feel immensely blessed. I had a number of friends this year refer to the labor and delivery of an infant as passing through the valley of the shadow of death. Eight months later I can barely remember the physical pain. It has been swallowed by the joy of motherhood. The growth of my immediate family has been supported by extended family. What I still see as the miracle of flight has allowed my in-laws to visit from Croatia and my son and I to visit my family in Idaho. Even in his infancy, my son knows he has a large, multicultural, cross-continental family who love him.
In addition to having a wonderful family, I have the good fortune of working with a group of people who are supportive and understanding of my new family and keep me smiling through the work day. They are people I am happy to claim as friends, and I value the diversity they bring to my life. This may not seem like much, but it is the first work environment in which I have not been plagued by workplace politics and continual jostling of my career ladder. I feel at peace in the agency setting, but by no means complacent. I look forward to the work year ahead and the changes and growth it promises.
I celebrate my birthday, my wedding anniversary, the birth of Jesus Christ, and the start of a new year all within a two week period. The amount of joy that gets packed into these 15 days is a little overwhelming sometimes. I have been blessed with family, friends, the necessities of life, and a few extra comforts. I have been blessed each day by the love my Heavenly Father pours upon me. I have a husband and a son who help me better understand God’s love for me because of the love I feel from them and for them.
And so I dedicate this post to all those who are still searching for love. I have been there; I have felt the pain of loneliness; and I have despaired in fear of always being unloved and alone. But depth of my sorrow hollowed me into a vessel large enough to hold the joy and love I feel now. I have learned through experience that there is opposition in all things, and I have learned how to nourish a faltering flame so that it warms my soul against the pounding nor’easters. May you be able find and hold onto the joy that passes your way in the year to come.
05.20.07
Overwhelmed by Kindness
Che will be three weeks old on Tuesday. In addition to finally understanding my mother’s intense love for her children, I’ve learned a few other things in the past few weeks. Most of the lessons are based on the personal service and kindness that so many people have freely given to my family since Che was born.
Being Mormon, I expected my ward to bring dinners over for the first few days when we returned home from the hospital. What I didn’t expect was all the additional help friends and the women of my ward provided during that critical first week at home.
I’m used to being the one giving service, and I’ve never been very good at receiving it. However, the episiotomy I had during delivery humbled me enough accept the service of others. Friends from church came over every day for the first seven days I was home and did everything for me that I couldn’t do myself. They picked up my baby for me, washed my dishes, ran errands, and even mopped my floor! One of my dear friends even went with my husband to take Che back to the hospital for a check-up when I could not make the physical journey.
Most importantly, these women provided emotional support and helped me to accept the neccesity of recuperation so that I could more quickly take care of my baby on my own. During that first week home from the hospital, I learned how to accept the service of others.
In addition to the service so many provided in my home, I have been overwhelmed by the gifts Che has recieved. I’ve never been much of a gift giver or receiver. Something about having 22 brothers and sisters and 23 (soon to be 24) nieces and nephews makes gift-giving a bit of a financial impossiblity. Yet, friends, family, and co-workers have given Che so much!
He already has more clothes than I do. (Fortunately, his are smaller and thus take up less space.) He has also been given adorable stuffed animals and toys. Many have already contributed to the purchase of his stroller and all the unexpected supplies needed due to Che’s refusal to nurse (just like his father).
Che is to young to be overwhelmed by the gifts he has received, so I am overwhelmed for him. I am also filled with gratitude for all the people who have shown so much kindness to our family and shared so much joy in Che’s arrival to this world.
My husbands family is in Croatia, and most of my family is out west. But, the many friends who have surrounded and supported us during the past few weeks have more than made up for physical distance from family. You have treated us like family in our time of need, proving to me once again that we are all brothers and sisters in God’s family.
Thanks to all of you.
02.18.07
“I don’t want to know”
I like to invite the Mormon missionaries over for dinner a few times a month. They are nice kids far away from home who are trying to do good things, and they bring a nice warm spirit into my home.
My husband, who does not share my religious beliefs, is good natured and tolerates the frequent company. He doesn’t mind a brief spiritual message after each meal, and enjoys getting to know each new Elder that comes into our ward.
Two weeks ago, the missionaries asked if they could teach him about the Plan of Salvation. To my utter amazement, he said yes, so they planed the lesson for our next dinner meeting.
Last night they came over for dinner again, and my husband was prepared. He invited his best friend to come to dinner, too, without telling him what was going on. Why? Well, he knew this friend would interact and ask questions during the discussion, which would get him off the participation hook.
I tried to refrain from participating too much by cleaning the kitchen while they talked. It was amusing to listen to my husband listening, and see him down two beers during the discussion (in addition to the one he had with dinner).
It was during that discussion that I realized the decision that my husband has made about my faith. He just doesn’t want to know. He is supportive of my active participation in my faith and my church, and he loves me for it. But, doesn’t want to know for himself if what I believe is true. He is happy as he is, and I love him as he is, and he doesn’t want to change. He knows that learning new truths will require him to change, so he prefers to remain ignorant about Mormonism.
I’m okay with his decision. But I also know that he won’t remain ignorant forever. One day, he will learn some truths despite his best efforts not to, and then he’ll be sorry.
11.15.06
Acceptable Frustration
I’ve decided that my husband actually enjoys being frustrated. Maybe it comes along with being an engineer. There must be some acceptable level of frustration in any task in order for it to be enjoyable.
Before the Zune, he had several different iPods each of which he sold via Craigslist (at least he told me he sold them). Last year, he bought a video iPod for me as a birthday present, and pre-loaded it for me with all sorts of things. (My favorite was a home video of him telling me happy birthday, which I won’t let him erase.) Apparently, the iPod wasn’t enough of a challenge for him. That’s why he wanted a Zune.
When things work too well, he has nothing to “do.” Nothing to fix. But give him a Zune and he is in heaven. The constant discovery of how the black box works is what excites him. The Zune software freezes…just reboot and try again. Can’t delete a file from the Zune software? Just delete it from the computer hard drive so the Zune can’t find it any more. It’s figuring out all the tricks and work-arounds that makes him happy.
Fortunately, I have a little of that need for frustration too. Probably one of the reasons my husband and I get along so well. I like solving problems. Being stumped for a while gets my brain going, and I love the satisfaction I feel when I overcome the intellectual obstacle. When I think of how boring life would be if there were no problems to solve, I am happy to have some problems that I will never be able to solve. They give me something to think about.
Problems I can’t solve, but I like thinking about? Just how big is the universe, and how many other planets out there have life? What will the world be like in 20 years? Is it possible to improve public education in the US in general, or can it only happen one school or one teacher at a time?
One of my current unsolvable problems that I’m not so happy about? If I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by the doctrines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) and my husband believes in God but not religion, will it be possible for us to be together forever after this life? Sometimes this question keeps me up at night. But, I know God loves me, He loves my husband, and we love each other. I have faith that because of all that love, God will be able to work something out.
